Sunday, March 18, 2007


Now that all the craft stuff is over at, I guess I need to think of something else to talk about, get personal again. You know I work on a hanky rating system. Just thought I would warn you.
In life you have so many choices, it's mind-boggling. I'm watching my oldest nephew go through college and I can't help but think of all the things he has ahead of him, all the choices, some right, some wrong, some neither. There are some choices that take you in different directions and me, as a controller type, I want to know where that is before I go. Sad to say, we don't get that privilege. Only God knows that. So how do you know what to do? I'm in my mid-40's and I'm still trying to figure that out, because I'm still having to make those same blasted choices! Do I do this or that? What does God want me to do, what does the hubby want, what do I want? My problem is, I don't really know the answer to any of those questions right now. Do I even have to choose at this juncture? I would like to have an email from God. The burning bush thing might bring out the fire department, and the handwriting on the wall didn't have the best message when it was said and done. A dream would be OK. Most of those worked out well.
I know I have Lupus for a reason, but it sure seems to want to poke it's head out at the wrong times. Or is it the right times? See what I mean? I'm a firm believer in all things happen for a reason and that God really, truly does have a plan. If I had a copy of it, I must have lost it somewhere in one of my super-secret hiding places. I have lots of those. Some day I am going to hit the jackpot and find all those things! Not sure why I would hide the plan though...
So, I guess the best we can do is to pray, and then step out in faith. If it's the wrong path, God will shut the door and open a new one. I sometimes have problems with that. I really like some doors that God wants to close. I'm pretty stubborn and I bet you He knows that about me. So, He has to break out the big stuff every once in a while to get my attention. You know, the bright light on the road to Damascus stuff. Here's hoping I'm paying better attention because the Casa De Cox was not on my list of vacation destinations last summer. Nice people but the accommodations were a bit sparse. Drugs were good, food, BAD.
Letting go is hard. Change is hard. Getting use to a disability is hard. Losing friends is really hard, but making new ones is an indescribable joy! Especially this late in life. You need all the friends you can get. Hopefully with some of the same ailments you have so there is plenty of inappropriate, "too much information" chatter over the speakerphone.
I want to do all the things I used to do as I think I would be more useful to the Lord, but maybe He thinks I am just as useful this way. I don't always feel very useful, but it's not about a feeling, it's about a doing. Someone told me once, "You don't feel yourself into doing, you do yourself into feeling." He's opening a door and sometimes I am too dense to see that the door is meant for me to take. Or, I don't want to take it, because I don't know what is on the other side. Now there's another personality trait I bet you He knows I have. He's got a big boot, too.
I LIKE knowing things. The unknown scares the liver out of me (didn't need that organ anyway—Lupus will eventually want it, so might as well get rid of it on my schedule and not his). Since I was never coordinated enough to be good at sports, or gifted enough to be good at music or arts, I didn't have the looks, so pretty much all that's left is smarts. So smarts it was, or is, sorta. I'm finally getting tired of the "smart" thing. I'm ready to be dumb. My drugs are making me dumb. Half the time I can't tell you what I had for lunch yesterday, if I even ate lunch. Very questionable. So, even if I'm not as smart as I once was, I still love to learn new things. God knows that about me too. He also knows that regardless of whether I am smart or dumb, coordinated or uncoordinated, beautiful or homely, stubborn or malleable, He made me this way from the beginning and He knew what I would be and what it would take to keep me looking up to Him. And if I haven't said it, thank you Lord for Godly parents and grandparents. I saw a quote from T. L. Cuyler, "Never despair of a child. The one you were the most for at the mercy seat may fill your heart with the sweetest joys." I know my Mom spent a lot of time at the mercy seat over me. I know God heard her prayers, but I don't know if I bring her the sweetest joys now, but I hope so.
Anyway, I know He knows EVERYTHING about me. Big WOW there, can I get an AMEN?! Psalm 139. One of my MOST favorite chapters in the Old Testament. For those of you who think abortion is OK, that unborn babies are just blobs of tissue, and that you have the right to terminate a life that only God can breathe in, in any circumstance, you need to read this (I can hear that can of worms popping open):
Starting with verse 13 and ending with verse 15 (NIV): "For you created my inmost being: you knit me together in my mother's womb, I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
There are so many other verses in the Bible where God says He knows the number of hairs on our heads, right NOW, and tomorrow too, and that He is waiting for opportunities to bless us when we are obedient to Him and His Word. Yet another thing that is hard for me. Being obedient. Boy, that's why He needs the big hammer sometimes. And I'm glad He does!
So I've decided that the drugs can heave out the old, unimportant, "I don't need to know that anymore" stuff to make room for the new stuff God is trying to teach me. I love to read and learn, I love to watch others and learn (except TV, we all KNOW that's not real, right? Who does House think he is anyway...) and then, if I don't put all the new knowledge in my super-secret hiding place, I might be able to share that with others, and also share some of the "smarts" I still have that count, the God-given smarts. Maybe that's what the Lord has in mind. Learn something new and share it in perspective with what you already know. Creatively share who He is in all that I do, even if it is just making a paper craft. Love your imperfections, use them for His glory, and move on (or "get over it" as my SWEET hubby likes to say). Learn to deal, prayerfully meditate, incorporate, create and give and love the process as much as the outcome.
Whew! A lot to think about. Every day is a new day and a new opportunity for me to sleep in. Ha. OK, do something useful. Like praying and not worrying about my choices, but accepting His choices, and not having to wait to hear "You've got God" when I log into my email. OK, I don't have AOL. Who needs AOL when you have a Mac? I'm pretty sure God has a MacBook, both OS's on one machine, no tower of Babel for Him! Just like I think there will be cats in heaven, but that is another discussion for another day.

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